21 December, 2011 Letter to Myself
Dear Christine–
I don’t need to tell you this because you’ve been through enough shit in your life to know that it’s true, but things will better and you are going to live a very happy life. I know that sometimes, you just need to hear it.
You’re doing a great job. In life and in your relationships. You’ve learned very important lessons from all of your relationships and you are putting them to use in your new ones. You’ve learned the value of friendship in the context of an intimate relationship and you’ve learned how to make a stranger into your family and what family means. You’ve learned about letting go and letting someone else influence you. You’ve learned about passion and understanding. You’ve learned that happiness comes from within and a relationship is not about finding someone who makes you happy but in finding a man who wants to share his happiness with you.
And now this: you’ve learned what it’s like to be completely in love, to let yourself love as freely and openly as possible and you’ve learned what’s most important. You’ve discovered that these are two different things.
You will find more love. Another man will find you and for the sake of your scarred heart, I hope he doesn’t have blue eyes. I hope that you always get to keep that as a token from this love.
The next man will have to try harder to win you over but you can be sure that he will try. You are worth it. You know this.
As for the rest of your life–work, new cities, friends, hobbies–don’t worry because they will fall into place. They always do. Be open to the universe, life brings new dreams. You will find new things to love, new reasons to smile. You will always be happy or be able to find happiness in the smallest of things. If you feel that you can’t, go home and spend time with your nephew. He’s an expert on happiness.
I promise that there will be better Christmases ahead.
One day you will wake up and the hurt that you are feeling won’t be there. You will remember everything in your head but you will find that your heart has healed. Your heart is an amazing thing. your heart. Its capacity for forgiveness, love and compassion seems limitless at times. On some level, this is why you are attracted to the idea of being a cardio surgeon–you want to fix people’s broken hearts. Even if it seems that no one is able to fix yours.
So keep your head up. The aching will pass, the tears will stop and you will find that you have been OK all along.
Lastly, I’m sorry that this didn’t work out for you. I thought this was “the one” as well. And I agree that he really might have been the Man of Your Dreams. But now you know what’s important. Don’t forget that.
Love,
Christine
