This year has started out much harder than I’d have wanted. Winter in Shanghai is a brutal lesson in sheer survival and every Monday sucks the joy out of life. Brian and I didn’t have New Years together, then our plans for Chinese New Year were blown as well. Valentine’s Day was disappointing in its way and I feel like I am still struggling to find my way back to him. Every now and then I find myself missing him. Missing the way he looks at me, missing his touch or his his voice in my ear. Missing the little things that I loved so much about him.
And for the first time in 2 years, this relationship feels hard for me. And to compound matters, he won’t talk to me.
I don’t know if he won’t talk because he’s tired or stressed, sick or depressed, or just scared that talking will end disastrously. But it’s beginning to feel like he’s not talking because he doesn’t care. And I hate that it feels that way to me.
But sad about my relationship is not why I’m writing this. I’m writing to remind myself to stay soft. Stay sensitive, stay tender, stay vulnerable. To not let winter make me cold inside. To not let another Monday make me hard. I can survive this winter. But I hate that I can’t even remember what summer feels like.
