We planned a date night our first week back and Brian came home and didn’t feel well so we didn’t go out that evening as planned. And the next morning he was feeling emotional and for a day or two it felt like it was all a mistake.

But then something happened or was said or changed because one day, things were OK again. Brian was happy instead of burdened.

So we had a few dinners and played video games and went to work together and had coffee and breakfast. And I made him biscuits and brownies.

And for his birthday, we ate chocolate cake for breakfast and we had a wonderful dinner date to a tempura restaurant. And we both got dressed up. And had a very nice date. And when we got home, he kissed me, held me, and we had sex for the first time since last November when we first got in a fight.

Then he left for business in California.

So I think we’re going to be OK. I’m happy to have him in my life and thrilled that he wants to stay in this as well. He’s the love of my life. And even when I was mad at him, I loved him more than I ever loved anyone.

And I hope this is a good year.

According to the Chinese zodiac, Dragon years are characterized by flamboyance, innovation, passion and surprise. It is a year to be daring, a year to push yourself, and a year with the potential of greatness as well as disaster.

According to superstitious translations of the Mayan calendar, this is the year that the world ends.

I think it’s a good year to be alive, a great year to discover new dreams and a fantastic year for falling in love. With someone. Or something. Or both. My fortune cookie today said the following:

So I’m going to set my goals on other things. Each year around the time that people are making their New Year’s Resolutions, I set goals. I can’t really call them “resolutions” because they are not habit-forming actions per se. I am not resolving to change the person I am. This is just a list of stuff I would like to do this year. Stuff that hopefully, will let me live many years in comfort and material wealth.

So without further ado, my goals for 2012:

1. Learn how to: throw a knife, shoot a handgun, climb up a rope, do a standing backflip, sing, dive gracefully. Why? Because they might come in useful and are just cool things to know how to do. And I already solved the Rubik’s cube 3 years ago.

2. Save 10% of my salary each month. Don’t touch it until next year. Why? Because it would be nice to have money in my account at the end of the month.

3. Plan and take an awesome holiday. Ideas: hot air ballooning in Inner Mongolia, scuba diving someplace awesome in SE Asia, go on a cruise, Italian riviera, South America. Why? Because the world is a big place and much of it is worth seeing.

4. Write a book with April. Why? Because April is the perfect person to do this with and I need some new shoes.

5. Train for and run a marathon. And finish. Feeling awesome. Why? Because it’s there. Because the marathon exists. Because it’s a chance to do something extraordinary.

6. Speak to Brian using his strongest love language: Acts of Service. Do ONE thing each week that shows him that I love him through a kind action. Why? Because Brian is the most important person in my life and my very best friend and he is someone worth understanding.

I’ll add more as I see fit. And I reserve the right to change these according to my whim. But stick around. It’s going to be a great year.

We won’t be having New Year’s together this year. Messy circumstances. We’ll have our New Years in combination with Chinese New Years and his birthday in mid-January. I would prefer to have New Years now and on time (holidays mean a lot to me) but with our relationship still raw from fresh wounds, I don’t want to fight against anything right now. If he wants to do New Year later this month, then I’ll go along with that. It’s not the same. It never is. He must know this by now. But I at least wanted him to think about it and give it consideration which he did. Baby steps.

My next post will be my goals for this coming year. I already have a few in mind.

1. In a tie for first scoring both a 10/12, my primary love languages are Quality Time and Personal Touch. Words of Affirmation came in third at 6, Receiving Gifts scored a 3 and Acts of Service 1. This makes sense. I need to be held, I love to be touched. And when Brian comes home, I jump all over him and demand a lot of skin contact. If it were up to me, I would never let go of his hand.

2. Brian’s primary language is also Quality Time, however his secondary language is Acts of Service. This makes a lot of sense. In retrospect, I see how he might have gotten hurt because of my lack of attention in this regard and also how his Acts of Service toward me may  have not weighed as heavily with me as they do with him.

3. Acts of Service is my top relationship priority. Showing Brian that I love him using one of his strongest languages.

If you don’t know what your Love Language is, you can take the assessment here: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/

Learn something about yourself. Learn something about the one you love.

I woke up with the arms of the man I love most in the world wrapped around me, his steady breathing in the morning light and the scent of his skin (like the air of an orange grove next to an ocean). And when I moved, he pulled me closer.

We exchanged presents. I got Brian some new black boots and he got me the nicest rolling pin. The rolling pin I would have bought for myself. We also have matching t-shirts from Pizza My Heart. Random but then again not and the thought is sweet.

We had breakfast at Hobbies. Pancakes, sausage, eggs, coffee. Delicious.

We drove to Monterey. Stopped at a beach, found some sea lions hanging out on the end of a boat dock. Went to the Monterey Bay Aquarium. Which had at least 3 exhibits that took my breath away. Open Ocean was simply fantastic. Brian and I just sat there watching fish swim by for a few minutes. It was pretty awesome.

Then we went and had some Mexican food overlooking the ocean. And there was a man playing Christmas songs on a guitar with a bunny on his head.

And then we drove home. And ordered room service. And watched some TV snuggled up together in bed. And I fell asleep in the arms of the man I love most in the world right now. A man who is my best friend. A man who has been everything important in my life for the past 2 years.

It was almost a perfect day.

Ian helped me fall in love with China. He took me on a hike the afternoon I arrived, took me to eat at his favorite restaurant and stayed up watching movies with me. He took me to yoga, drove me around the West Lake on the back of his scooter at sunset. Made me coffee in the morning. He let me borrow his bike, showed me where he kept the hide-a-key and always opened his home to me.

And 2 days ago, Ian passed away.

The last time I REALLY spend time with Ian was 2 years ago, just after my first date with Brian. And I remember because that’s what we were talking about. He had just met Sandra and I had just met Brian and he was telling me that I should give love a chance, that if he was even just a “maybe” I should give it a chance. And I although I would have anyway, hearing it from Ian cemented that in my mind.

Although I can’t say that Ian was a close friend of mine, he was a dear friend and I miss him. I miss a world that had him in it. I miss having a friend in Hangzhou.

And in his wake, I feel silly that I’m even worrying over Brian, silly that I let our issues get big and our love get smaller. Silly that I wasn’t able to see through our differences and our hurt and our pain to the things that matter: to love and understanding.

I feel silly that I couldn’t get to the place where Ian always was. The place where love is enough.

I don’t need to tell you this because you’ve been through enough shit in your life to know that it’s true, but things will better and you are going to live a very happy life. I know that sometimes, you just need to hear it.

You’re doing a great job. In life and in your relationships. You’ve learned very important lessons from all of your relationships and you are putting them to use in your new ones. You’ve learned the value of friendship in the context of an intimate relationship and you’ve learned how to make a stranger into your family and what family means. You’ve learned about letting go and letting someone else influence you. You’ve learned about passion and understanding. You’ve learned that happiness comes from within and a relationship is not about finding someone who makes you happy but in finding a man who wants to share his happiness with you.

And now this: you’ve learned what it’s like to be completely in love, to let yourself love as freely and openly as possible and you’ve learned what’s most important. You’ve discovered that these are two different things.

You will find more love. Another man will find you and for the sake of your scarred heart, I hope he doesn’t have blue eyes. I hope that you always get to keep that as a token from this love.

The next man will have to try harder to win you over but you can be sure that he will try. You are worth it. You know this.

As for the rest of your life–work, new cities, friends, hobbies–don’t worry because they will fall into place. They always do. Be open to the universe, life brings new dreams. You will find new things to love, new reasons to smile. You will always be happy or be able to find happiness in the smallest of things. If you feel that you can’t, go home and spend time with your nephew. He’s an expert on happiness.

I promise that there will be better Christmases ahead.

One day you will wake up and the hurt that you are feeling won’t be there. You will remember everything in your head but you will find that your heart has healed. Your heart is an amazing thing. your heart. Its capacity for forgiveness, love and compassion seems limitless at times. On some level, this is why you are attracted to the idea of being a cardio surgeon–you want to fix people’s broken hearts. Even if it seems that no one is able to fix yours.

So keep your head up. The aching will pass, the tears will stop and you will find that you have been OK all along.

Lastly, I’m sorry that this didn’t work out for you. I thought this was “the one” as well. And I agree that he really might have been the Man of Your Dreams. But now you know what’s important. Don’t forget that.

Love,

Christine

I hope the next dream doesn’t have deep blue eyes. I want those to always and only belong to this dream.

I like the quote at the bottom. And I re-read through some of my posts. And I discovered, I believe in love. I believe that I will find it one day and it will be here to stay.